Randy: How early in
life did you begin to feel feminine inside? Do you remember the
moment or time period? Please explain how that feeling changed you
in the beginning and the stages of femininity you went through.
Mistress Cyan: I
have always felt "feminine", so I would have to say that
it was as far back as I can remember. Even as a small child, I
felt like a girl... I wanted to be a girl and wished that when I
went to bed, I would awaken as a girl. Of course, that never
happened and I was always so disappointed. I was too young to
understand, or even question why I felt that way. It didn't seem
strange to Me at the time.
It was a few years later, when I was about 8 years old, that I
began to realize what I was all about. I saw a movie called The
Christine Jorgenson Story and it scared the hell out of Me! I
saw that and said to Myself "Oh my gosh, that's me!" It
was a revelation that made Me realize that I was NOT like everyone
else, but I was not the only person in the world like this
either... but I was also old enough to realize that these feelings
were not considered "normal", and therefore, I would not
be considered "normal" by mainstream society as well. It
was not something I felt I could tell others.
I must admit to you that it was not easy knowing this and not
being able to be who I really was. I suppressed the feminine
feelings as much as I could, but it wasn't easy. I had the
opportunity to get some female clothing one day when I was at the
home of some of My female cousins. They were throwing out clothes
because they had outgrown them and asked me to take them to the
trash. I agreed and once outside, grabbed some of them and hid
them in My parents car. Once home I managed to sneak them into My
room and would dress whenever I could, which was not very often. I
would slip into some panties after going to bed and then putting
My pajamas back on. I felt content rather than aroused, although
there were times when I did get aroused by envisioning Myself as a
girl. It made Me so very happy.
By the time I was in junior high school, I started to go into
this deep sense of denial and was bent on proving My masculinity
even though I was very thin and feminine looking. I started
running Track and playing Baseball. I excelled in each and it
reinforced My "maleness". This continued through high
school and college. I played Basketball and ran Track and Cross
Country. I was outstanding... I was a starter on the Basketball
team and went to The State Finals in Track and Cross Country two
years in a row and still hold a number of school records to this
day! It was a stressful time of My life. I can remember an
incident at an Awards Banquet... The cheerleaders were presenting
the Track Team with some awards they had made up prior to the
actual awards. I was given the "Best Legs" award and I
was so embarrassed... all I could think of is that everyone knew
My secret. Later that evening, I won a number of trophies
including Most Valuable and when I got home, the trophies went on
the shelf and the "Best Legs" award was thrown in My
closet. I hated it in a way. I now know how silly it was to feel
that way, but those are the kind of things one must deal with in
situations like mine.
Through high school and college. however, there was the
underlying feeling of being a girl. I dated, but always wished I
were in My dates place, wishing I were wearing her dress rather
than being the male. I was somewhat fearful of sex because it did
not feel natural to Me as a male, although I did not feel like I
was gay. I did not feel like I was a male attracted to a male. I
was attracted to females, but it was because I could identify with
them. I was virgin until the age of 19 when a secretary at the
place I worked part time invited Me to dinner and seduced Me. That
built My confidence and I enjoyed the sex, but the psychological
feelings of being a girl were still there.
Until I started to see a therapist, I had been living My whole
life in denial. I was successful in everything I did and had
everything I could ask for, but I was not happy. When I accepted
the fact that I was Transsexual, it felt like the weight of the
world had been taken off My shoulders. The next task was My
transition from male to female.
How young were
when you first dressed as a woman?
As I said before, I
had actually started "dressing" very young, but as far
as fully dressing as a female and going out, it was when I was
about 25 years old and I met someone through an ad in The
L.A.Weekly that read "IMATVRU" and knew exactly what
that meant. I wrote him and we ended up exchanging phone numbers.
We talked and met at a restaurant to get to know each other a
little better. We hit it off and started dressing and going to
some nightclubs to go dancing. It was great. I had fun and felt
like the person I knew I was.
Did you prefer
dressing erotically, very sexy, or in traditional female attire at
first? How, and what did it do to you on the inside and the
outside the first time you got 'dressed?' Were you aroused
immediately?
It was very erotic
to dress in short skirts and dresses with high heels to go out
dancing. Being tall and slender, I was very passable and was
always asked if I were a model, so I could dress very sexy and
very provocative as well. Since I was dressing to go to a dance
club, it was always sexy clothes and I really liked the feel and
look, which was a turn on for Me. This, keep in mind, was prior to
Me seeing a counselor and I was still living in denial, trying to
convince Myself that I was simply a cross-dresser.
Does it still
excite you when you dress in something sexy, Something new?
Oh absolutely! I
think all women do... Dressing sexy makes you feel sexy and when
you feel sexy, you feel good about yourself. I love shopping and I
love new clothes. Many of My slaves know that and send Me things
to wear, and many bring Me outfits when they come to session with
Me. I have My sizes and a "Wish List" on My web site
just for that reason!
Did you always
have such beautiful legs? Do you choose stockings and heels to
intentionally accentuate them?
Yes, actually I
have. I had mentioned before that as a runner in high school, the
cheerleaders gave Me a "Best Legs" Award that I was
embarrassed about them, but am thankful for now.
Many have told Me that My legs are one of My outstanding
features because they are so long and slender. I always wear
outfits that show them off, especially when at fetish events or
play parties. I rarely wear pantyhose and prefer thigh high
stockings and either a garter-belt, or I attach them to a corset
that I may be wearing. I only wear nice, elegant stockings.
And shoes, well I always prefer some sexy 4" or 5"
heels or boots. They accentuate My long legs. There was a time
when I considered NOT wearing them because I am 5'10" and was
concerned about looking "too tall", but after receiving
so many compliments and hearing other girls tell Me how lucky I
was to be tall, I got over any insecurity about being "too
tall!" I love spike heels, as you can probably tell by
looking at any photos of Me. I love My 5" stiletto heeled
thigh high boots and 5" pumps with an ankle straps. I usually
have guys all around Me asking to worship My legs and feet!
Tell us what it
was like for you as a male with long hair and painted nails,
before you made yourself clear to the people around you.
Oh yes, you're
referring to the time of My life prior to My full transition...
Well, My therapist and I had discussed that when a lot of
transgender people transition, the biggest problem that they face
is non-acceptance for those around them. One reason is that one
day they are in a three piece suit and the next day they show up
in a dress... most people have a hard time adjusting to such a
sudden change, so it was My intention to "gradually"
transition, which I did very successfully.
After leaving a job as a Director of Manufacturing for a $3.3
billion corporation, I went full time into the Music Business, a
business I had been in part time for years as a concert promoter
and personal manager. I was the publisher of a well known Music
and Entertainment Magazine here in Los Angeles, so I could be a
bit flexible with My appearance. My hair was down to the middle of
My back, My fingernails were long and usually painted black or
dark red and I rarely went out without eyeliner and makeup. Most
everyone I dealt with, from music executives to club owners,
assumed that I was just into the "goth" or
"glam" scene and didn't seem to question it.
I started dressing more androgynous and was commonly mistaken
for a woman before I was even trying to pass as one and that was
really cool. It boosted My self esteem because I knew I was a
woman. It's funny, but I thought more people would have an issue
with the hair, make-up and painted nails, but it was never an
issue... not even at the grocery store or in a restaurant where
all the "normal" people were. I think this was mainly
because of My high level of self-esteem and the self-confidence I
possessed. I learned that people will react to the way you present
yourself. They are more comfortable when you are more comfortable
with yourself. If you come across with a lack of confidence, they
seem to sense that something is "not right. "
Can you tell us
about your first experiences as a female. How strongly were you
attracted to men in the beginning?
"What was My
first experience as a Female?" Wow, that's a pretty vague
question that could probably be answered in a number of ways, so I
think I better pass on this part and we'll talk about My
attraction to men...To be honest, in the beginning the attraction
to men was not very strong at all. Remember, I was in denial for
so long and had conditioned Myself to believe that I was a
"normal male" and only attracted to women. But again,
after coming to terms about who I was and what I was, those walls
began to come down and the attraction to men started to manifest
itself, especially after a couple years of hormones. That
attraction began to get stronger and I ended up in a beautiful
relationship with this guy who cared very much for Me. He really
took good care of Me, but the relationship ended after about three
years. He just had so much baggage that I couldn't deal with. We
broke up, but have been able to remain really good friends and he
will submit to Me anytime I say, so it's still very good
. I have had a couple of pretty good relationships with guys, but
there is no way that I am ready to settle down with a guy right
now. I am bisexual and I love women too much to limit Myself!
Were your urges
to become a complete female beyond self-control? Did you ever try
to control your feminine urges in the beginning? If so, was that a
hard urge for you to control?
I have NEVER been
out of control. Seriously, I have always been in control of Myself
and My emotion. I am very rational and do not REACT emotionally to
anything. I 'act" on things rather than "react."
Reaction is generally the result of a loss of control. It is
something that is usually done without thinking, at least that is
how I define "reacting." A Dominant should always be
able to maintain control, especially over Herself. If She cannot
control Herself, how can She possibly control Her slave(s)?
So yes, I have always been able to control My female urges, as
well as any other urges that I may have gotten. I am driven by My
mind, not My emotions and not My sexual organs. I am a very
sensual person, and I play very sensually in My domination, even
if I am doing a heavy corporal session, there is always an element
of sensuality, but it is not sexual.
I have always been able to control My sexual urges because I am
not driven by those sexual urges. Yes, I love sex and am extremely
orgasmic, but it is, by no means, an uncontrollable urge. I always
have My vibrator to take care of things long before those urges
can manifest themselves. LOL!!
Mistress, do you
ever do overnight sessions with a slave? If so, what might such a
session entail?
Yes I do and
they're so much fun! I have a number of slaves that live outside
the Los Angeles area who travel in for business, so they will
schedule an overnight session. What happens depends on the
particular slave's interest and limits, as well as what days they
are visiting. If, for example, it is on a weekend, I will have
them arrive at a designated time and I will do a session with
them, that is then followed by some cleanup duties for My weekly
play party. From there, we will go to dinner and we will return
for the play party where they will submit to Me and possibly some
of My Domme friends. The party ends, I will usually do another
one-on-one session before putting the slave in the cage in My
dungeon or on the Bondage Table for the night. The next morning I
send him out to get us breakfast and then another one-on-one
session before I allow him to leave. However, there is never any
sex on My overnight sessions.
If it is a weekday, I may have the slave escort Me to a Fetish
Club or shopping instead of the play party. I also love taking
cross-dressers out to some of the gender-friendly nightclubs here
in Los Angeles. If anyone is interested in an overnight session,
they can check out My
website and email Me at MistresCyan@yahoo.com
Speaking of your
website
Mistress, it's pretty extensive. Do you have any plans for
anything special in the near future?
Yes, I will soon be
adding some really hot Guest Galleries from some of the Top
Mistresses and Fetish Models from all over the country, and maybe
from the world. I was recently interviewed by OWK and am looking
to do more with them. I am also going to be adding a lot of new
things into My catalog as well as a lot of resource links for the
BDSM Lifestyle. And, of course, always new photo sets!
I just shot a great video over at Mistress Katja Minx's Dungeon
last week that came out awesome! As soon as I get the master from
the producer, I will post some video captures and some stills on
the site and offer the video at a special price through . Lots of
discipline with paddles, floggers, single-tails and My Violet
Wand. It ends with a great strap-on scene that got everyone
totally excited at the shoot.
I know you were
recently in Las Vegas and New York where You were a Guest of
BondCon. Do you travel much and do you have any travels plans You
can tell us about?
I LOVE to travel
and do so whenever My schedule permits. I am usually kept pretty
busy here in Los Angeles. In addition to My sessions, I am busy on
five of My own websites and am the exclusive content provider for
10 other sites, so it is a little difficult to travel as much as I
would like to
. I have been invited as a Special Guest and am planning on
attending the DomDominion Convention in San Francisco during the
end of May and beginning of June. It is an eight-day convention
that includes panel discussions, demos, night club outings, a
Fetish Ball and play parties... all things I like! I will also be
available for sessions during that time, so for all of you in San
Francisco, or may be visiting at that time, email Me and we will
set something up. I may be visiting Las Vegas again soon to do a
Flogging and Single-tail Demo for a few groups there.
I am also looking at a trip to Phoenix soon as I was invited by
Mistress Porshe Lynn to do some sessions in Her Dungeon, The Den
of Inequity. I am also hoping to make it back to New York and
Philadelphia later this summer, or early fall. I want to go before
the snow hits... being a Southern California girl I'm not too wild
about snowstorms and blizzards LOL!
I have a page on My
website where I list Travel Plans and Events that people can
check out if they are interested in where I'll be. Also, I will
travel if a slave is willing to cover My travel expenses. Your
readers can contact Me if that might be something of interest to
them.
Mistress, I
understand that You are also a pretty well known Bondage and
Fetish Model. Would You like to comment on that? Do You still
yearn to be submissive?
No, I do not yearn
to be submissive, not at all! I love Bondage and Fetish and have
been doing Bondage and Fetish Modeling for a number of years as
Katie Michelles. For the past couple of years now, I have been a
Semi-Finalist as Best Bondage Model and Best Bondage Rigger in the
Signy Bondage Awards. I'm proud of that. From what I've been told,
I was the first Transgender Bondage and Fetish Model to go that
far in the awards.
Being a semi-finalist as Best Bondage Rigger is definitely more
in the Domme Direction. I love doing nice symmetrical bondage,
that is restrictive and the submissive cannot escape. I can do it
in such a safe manner that the submissive can squirm and struggle
and still not get out, and the ropes will not tighten or loosen.
As a matter of fact, some of the Bondage sluts that come to Me
love it and I tell them if they can get out, I will return their
donation... so far, I have not had to return anything to anyone
LOL!
